“Good looks. Bad Company, and the Necessity of Obedience”
At the beginning of 2020, one of my old ghosts reared its ugly head again.
Pornography…Addiction….addiction?! How could I become addicted again?!
I had my sturggles with porn in the past and overcame them by God’s grace. I was free for years. But it came back around and this time was different…
Let’s back up a few months.
Around August of 2019, I began communicating with a Christian woman who I casually met on social media. Almost immediately after we started talking God told me to delete her number.
I said “Huh?! Why?”. I didn’t see the problem, but I deleted it…theeeen went right back to talking to her. 😩😂
That’s when the issues began…
For some reason, she triggered me. She was obviously attractive but there was something else, something I couldn’t put my finger on. Something deeper that drew me to her and drew me back into pornography.
Lust. Maybe a spirit of lust.
The way I came to faith in Jesus was through an experience with spiritual powers and principalities so I was already aware of how demonic forces and strongholds keep people bound. So this shouldn’t have been a surprise for me. The longer I disobeyed and kept talking with her, the worse the attacks got. Even to the point that I would have eerie dreams and spiritual attacks at night.
I slowly but surely stopped talking to her as much but the habit of watching porn became an addiction that I couldn’t get free from.
The pornographic thoughts polluted my mind for months and got to the point that I highly considered going to the strip club and blowing a bag just to feed my lustful cravings.
Thank God I didn’t go that far!!
Soon the addiction became more of an escape. I was escaping from the pain I didn’t want to feel, because well, pain seeks pleasure. Our pastor recently spoke about how when we engage in porn, we seek intensity when God’s designed us for intimacy. I could see that in my own life. Whenever I’m consistently in God’s presence and doing what He’s called me to do, the desire subsides because my heart and mind are focused on something greater.
This time, I eventually humbled myself and asked Jesus how to get completely free. He told me to do two things:
Delete her number and unfollow her on Instagram.
I did both and the addiction and desire vanished…almost immediately.
My affections for her remained for a little while so I prayed again for God to remove my affections for her and they too vanished, almost immediately.
I learned that the issues others may struggle with can become our problems too if we’re not careful, especially if we don’t have the proper emotional and physical boundaries (Soul ties can be emotional as well as physical).
Whether it was something within her or something within me, I still don’t know, but I know that the connection had to be severed.
While struggling with the addiction my view of women became skewed again and I saw them as objects and not people. One night I was in my bed curled up in a fetal position, crippled by the desire to watch more porn, so to mitigate it, I did the next best thing. I watched an interview with one of my favorite porn stars to hear her story and see what she was really like as a person.
After hearing her speak, I was heartbroken! She seemed like she was in a trance! I could hear in her tone and demeanor that she was obviously high or drunk and the way she openly spoke about her lifestyle was disheartening to say the least. I looked deeper into her story and found out how she got into the industry. I discovered how old she really is and that she wanted to be a porn star since she was a teenager so she oriented her life in that direction. It’s crazy to think that some teens really dream of growing up to become porn stars.
I began wondering what could have happened to her when she was younger that lead her down this path? What were her dreams when she was younger? What was God’s dream for her life?
Now as I learn about the sex industry and how women are brought into it, I’m sickened to know that I once indulged. Recently Pornhub removed millions of films that included women being raped or women who were underage. It’s sobering to think that I may have supported either of those by frequenting the site.
But thank God for freedom! Since I did what ABBA told me to do, the desire is gone!!
Does the temptation come back around? Of course!
Do I still struggle with lustful thoughts? Mhmm.
The difference is, I’m not bound and I have the freedom and weapons to choose to fight!
I’m aware that everyone’s story with any addiction isn’t the same, I want to encourage you to seek God for His wisdom and strategy for how to get free.
It could be simple or it could be a journey but HE has the answers for you and will help you overcome as you’re obedient. There are differences in our journeys. Jesus heals and transforms in different ways that are personal to us. It may not be a Jericho experience where you find freedom instantly after obedience, it may be the way of the Cross, where it’s a journey that includes pain and sacrifice. Either way, obedience is worth it!
We have the responsibility to cooperate with what God is telling us to do and it can save us a lot of time and heartache if we do what He says.
Important things to note in dealing with the problem :
- We have to address the root cause.
That means figuring out our triggers, ungodly beliefs, and habits that lead to the addiction is vital to get free.
2. We can’t win alone!
Accountability(Ecc 4:10), vulnerability(James 5:16) and confession (1 John 1:9) are all key to staying free
Reach out if you need help. Stay close to Jesus and be honest and vulnerable with Him about your struggles. He’s there to set you free!
Let’s get free and stay free. In Jesus’ name!
If I use my freedom to get bound then tell me what’s the use
If who I’m connected was disconnecting me from You
Forget my purity because she was alluring me
Desires were emerging that lead to an emergency
Those seeds that were planted only hardened my soil
Just another decoy with a plot to destroy
We have to ask the Way for the ways we can change our direction
Cause the Word made flesh can set us free from addiction
Here are some resources for help with addiction & some accountability apps:
Also check out my music video “Celebration” about love, sex, and abstinence: